12.29.2006 | 6:10 pm | Daily Life, Gray Matters, Ranting
has gotten into my kid??
Today has been one of the most difficult days we’ve ever had with each other. He’s whiny and grouchy, and he’s so incredibly strong-willed that he’s repeatedly disobeying and doing downright mean things, despite numerous punishments. Numerous! We keep going back and forth into the bedroom for “attitude adjustments”, and he’s had plenty of sitting spells in the corner. Yet he’ll come right away from one of these punishments and still misbehave. Oy vey! He got this strong will from me, which I’m normally proud of, but not today.
These types of days are rare, but today he’s making up for all the sweet, mostly-good days he normally gives me! Today he’s really testing me. I’m up for the test. 
I’ve been in crack-down mode all evening, which is finally starting to make a difference (I think). But it does get tiring. I’ll be so glad when bedtime gets here.
By the way, if anyone’s reading this and knows how to stop trackback spam, I’d sure love to hear how! It’s driving me crazy! I’m getting dozens per day and I’m tired of having to delete links with tags like “creampie-filled p*ssy” and the like. 
Sorry if that offends anyone; I’m just giving a small example of what I have to read every day—and that’s a mild one! Freakin’ sickos.
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12.29.2006 | 11:33 am | Daily Life, Gray Matters
Christmas was very nice this year. We went to Christmas Eve candlelight service Sunday night, and G did so well being quiet in the sanctuary. He got to hold the candle and he also did his best to blow it out at the end of the service. Afterwards, we drove around looking at more Christmas lights, and then we came home and did our last Advent activity, and then it was bedtime for G!
Christmas morning, we opened gifts and G had a blast. He got a big metal dump truck, a 5-pack of Thomas trains, and a big stuffed fat tiger that he absolutely adored from the moment he saw it! He also got a few little things in his stocking: yogurt-covered raisins, a couple of hot wheels, a real mini-tape measure, some maracas, and some bath squirters.
Philip and I both got a lot of candy for each other, and we each got chunks of money from both sets of our parents…yay! Those will come in handy!
We had sausage and grits for breakfast…yum. We hung out all morning and G played mostly with his dump truck. Then during G’s nap, I decided we should head to Cview that night and spend the evening with P’s parents. That way we could have time with them, then spend the night there and the next morning, get up and go spend the day with my parents. So we packed up and once G woke up from his nap, we started our one-hour trip.
We hung out all evening with P’s parents, ate dinner, and after G went to bed, I made peanut butter cookies. I wanted to have them to give to my dad for Christmas; they’re his favorite!
The next morning we got up and got ready to leave, but before we left we had a quick visit with some out-of-town relatives who arrived just as we were getting the car packed up. We chatted with them for a while and then went over to my parents’ house.
We stayed there all day, just hanging out and relaxing. We opened gifts, too. G got three Thomas trains from my parents; they were three of his favorite characters. G spent a lot of time helping my mom decorate her Christmas tree (she was still decorating it the day after Christmas, LOL!). Late in the afternoon, my dad tried to coax G to ride with him on his tractor, but G wouldn’t have anything to do with it! G’s all about tractors, but I guess not so much when he’s up close to one.
We came home late that evening, and since then we’ve just been having a low-key week. Philip is back to work of course, and I’ve been getting the house back into post-Christmas shape. G’s been playing with his various Thomas trains, his dump truck, and Ty, his stuffed tiger. He got a few games from various people also, and we’ve been learning a new game each night. He likes playing games, just like his mama & daddy!
I’m working on uploading pictures, but it’ll be a while as usual. 
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12.22.2006 | 3:01 pm | Daily Life
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I’ve been too busy to write much of anything this week, but I have managed to get pictures from both November and December uploaded onto Flickr! That is quite a feat, for me anyway! Please stop by and see them, maybe while you’re taking a rest or a breather from all the Christmas-related activities that I know you’ve been busy with, too!
Links are below. When you get there, just click on the thumbnail picture that’s in that box on the right, and continue clicking the right-hand thumbnail to scroll through the pictures in the set.
November’s photoset There are some really good shots in here. Some are candid, plus there are some Christmas card photoshoot shots, and some really nice B&W shots Philip took.
December’s photoset These include G’s 3rd birthday, last week’s Winterfest (I remember a couple of you wanted to see the pics from that!), and our early Christmas with P’s family this past weekend.
I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend and Christmas!
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12.18.2006 | 11:17 pm | Uncategorized, Daily Life, Infertility/Miscarriage
with the busy-ness of Christmas. Oh yes, it’s begun! This is when I’m especially glad I do all my shopping before Thanksgiving. We have a lot of things going on from now till the day after Christmas. I’m making sure to carve out plenty of time each day for just savoring everything, though. My favorite thing is turning out all the lights except for the Christmas lights, and listening to my Christmas music…I have to be all alone for that, however, so that doesn’t happen as often as I’d like. But it’s one of my favorite things that I do all year.
We had Christmas with P’s main family yesterday, and that was nice. There’s also Christmas with P’s extended family on Saturday, and the annual bonfire. I’d really like to go to that, but with the warm weather we’re forecast to have, I’m not sure how fun the bonfire will be. It’s always much better when it’s cold out, but maybe it’ll be cold enough. On the same day, my brother & family will be in town and I’d like to go spend time with my side of the family too. I don’t know how well it’s all going to work out, considering we have to have a quiet place for G to nap during the afternoon, and that’s not available. So, we’ll see.
Today I have an oncologist appointment to see about getting a biopsy done and to discuss what comes next. I hate that office…I really do. It’s no fun to see other cancer patients, especially the chemo room filled with patients. 
Our car is going into the shop Wednesday. We’re past 120k miles and overdue for the timing belt to be replaced. It’s going to be expensive…I wish we had a new car (well, a new double-cab truck would be my choice, actually).
This weekend I realized that I’ve come out of the fog that I’ve been living under for the past 6 weeks (it happened 6 weeks ago today…I would’ve been 17 weeks PG today had it not). Oh, don’t get me wrong; I’m still grieving deeply, every single day. My heart and my body still feel so incredibly empty. And I’m dealing with TONS of anger, mostly toward all the people who’ve let me down during all of this (that’s another post, though). But I noticed that this past week that I’ve felt like a normal person again in many ways. No more walking around in a state of shock. It’s hard to describe, but for these past weeks, everywhere I’ve gone & everything I’ve done was almost like it was in black & white…no color. Like I was not really experiencing things, but rather watching myself from a distance as I went through the motions of life. But this past week I feel like I’ve been back in-body and it feels like things are in color once again. I feel like I want to get back into life again, rather than isolate myself any longer. Now if I could just fill the gaping hole inside that still remains. :sigh: All in good time, I pray.
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12.16.2006 | 11:13 am | Daily Life, Gray Matters, Reviews
Last night we went to pcola Winterfest. It’s a fun event that showcases the historic downtown area of the city. There are lots of lights, caroling, characters for the kids, a little train ride for the kids, and the biggest attraction is the trolley ride. The trolley takes you on a 50-minute ride around historic downtown, stopping every few blocks at specific places for a themed mini-show that’s put on right inside the trolley car. Tickets were sold out, but Philip has connections so we were able to snag three FREE tickets for last night’s trolley extravaganza. Getting them free was amazing (and I believe Providential), because it would’ve cost $23 for the three of us otherwise. I was so excited because we’ve wanted to do this for the past few years, but something has always kept us from being able to go.
The trolley car was really full so G sat on my lap. Our first stop was very festive; about 10 women & girls dressed in Mexican ponchos, sombreros, and wielding maracas burst into the car and danced while they sang “Feliz Navidad”. G was taken aback by the oddness and the close proximity of all the commotion, but he quickly got into it—one of the girls handed him one of her maracas, and he shook it along with them. 
We moved on to see “snow” falling and Frosty the snowman came onboard the trolley and danced to the song of the same name. G was a little wary of the big dancing snowman, but he did wave at him and watched intently. At another stop, Rudolph joined us and danced to the famous song written about himself. G gave him a high-five.
We went on to meet the children from “The Night Before Christmas”, complete with a little girl in flannel pjs, who joined us with her mom, who was wearing her kerchief and gown. The little girl handed out candy canes.
Other stops were to see the Polar Express (big hit with G!), a living Nativity scene, Hansel & Gretel and the witch, a very well-done Christmas Carol enactment, a recreation of a scene from the movie “White Christmas”, and we also were joined by the Cat in the Hat! The Cat slinked through our trolley and got right up in each person’s face, including G’s—that didn’t go over so well. He burst into tears and threw his face into my hair as he clung to my neck for dear life. 
He did NOT like the Cat in his face at all! There were lots of “Awwww”s heard through the trolley while I comforted him, and I heard a woman say, “He’s done so good so far!” Once the cat was gone, G was fine and got back into enjoying all the entertainment.
One of the last stops was to see an Elvis impersonator singing “Blue Christmas”. It was the only one we could’ve done without. Philip leaned over and said to me, “if so many people can impersonate him, doesn’t that show that he wasn’t so great?” We are not Elvis fans!
We also stopped at Whoville and were treated to the little Who girl and then the Grinch! G was definitely wary of the Grinch, after what had happened with the Cat in the Hat. But thankfully the Grinch didn’t get all up in his face, and G was okay with just watching him acting right in front of us.
It was a lot of fun, and G said that he had lots of fun, too, despite the Cat. I’m afraid he’s been traumatized from that book forever—I asked him if he wanted to read his book last night and he said, “NO!” 
After the trolley ride, G got to ride the kiddie train. Here’s the kicker: he rode it ALL BY HIMSELF! Tickets were $5 each, and I didn’t really want to pay for either of us to ride it with him, so I asked if he wanted to do it alone, and he said yes. So he hopped up into the caboose and sat there like a big boy all by himself. The train took off, and he looked a little unsure for a moment, but I think the thrill overrode any fear he might’ve had, because he just sat there looking all around for the entire ride. The train rode around Seville Square and back, and I had my eye on him the entire time (visions of pedophiles opening the car and grabbing him were dancing in my head). Philip was busy taking pictures, which I’ll post sometime. When the train stopped, of course G wanted to ride it again, this time in the coal car, but we couldn’t afford another run at $5 a pop. I’m so glad he got to ride it though, and I’m proud that he did it all by himself…and a little sad because my baby’s growing up. 
We spent a little while strolling the streets downtown, and at one point we passed through the area where the “snow” was falling. Each light pole had a machine at the top that was shooting out wet potato flakes, and amazingly, it DID look just like real snow flurries flying through the air. It made me kind of nostalgic for all the times I’ve gotten to see real flurries swirling, but not enough so that I’d ever want to leave here again. G, however, did NOT like his first experience with snow! When it hit his face, he went nuts slapping at it and saying, “NOOOO!” I told him it’s only snow, to which he replied, “I DON’T LIKE SNOW!!” So, we took our little Caillou back down the street, away from the evil snow.
It was such a fun night. I’m glad we got to go, and I’m so glad Philip was able to pull those tickets off! Yay, Philip!
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12.14.2006 | 3:21 pm | Uncategorized, Memes
Post #2 for the day…I haven’t done that in a long time!
I saw this at The Noodle Incident and thought it was filled with thought-provoking questions.
1. What did you do in 2006 that you’d never done before?
Used (and switched to!) cloth feminine products. Cared for a sick child (he had never been sick before then)…it’s no fun! Miscarried, saw, and held a fairly developed 1st-trimester fetus.
2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn’t make any and I usually don’t. I do have some goals and plans for 2007, and hopefully they will have God’s blessing behind them and will turn out the way I’m hoping.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Not anyone close, but I know a few people who did.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Our unborn baby…it died right inside of me.
5. What countries did you visit?
I spent the entire year in the good old USA.
6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
A clean bill of health, with nothing scary going on. Financial security, or at least something close to it. And one other little thing that I’m not telling!
7. What date from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
November 6th, the day I miscarried our baby. It’s something I’ll never forget.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Staying fit for most of the year. Organizing every single last photo that we have in our possession (many years’ worth!). Organizing/purging through every letter and note and keepsake that I’ve ever received. I helped to encourage a breastfeeding mother who was really struggling, and it paid off. And I finally got my decayed wisdom teeth removed from my head!
9. What was your biggest failure?
I’ve failed at being the person/mother/wife that I know God has called me to be. And I failed at carrying a baby safely to term.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
There is always something going on regarding my history with cancer. And this neck thing has been a real pain…in the neck.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
My iBook
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Philip, G, and the very small group of friends who actually acknowledged my miscarriage, as well as those who went above and beyond by trying to say or do things to make me feel better. I’ll always remember.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
A few family members, a few friends/acquaintances, and quite a few public figures/celebrities. And also, the “friends” who know about my miscarriage but lacked the kindness to simply acknowledge it.
14. Where did most of your money go?
House payments, food & daily needs, insurance, taxes.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Kelly coming to visit. G learning to swim.
16. What song will always remind you of 2006?
Every song on Harrison Hudson’s CD, and every song on U2’s “How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb”.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
happier or sadder?
Sadder.
thinner or fatter?
Fatter.
richer or poorer?
Poorer.
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Praying, Bible study, reading, teaching G things, writing, chatting with friends, remodeling the house, exploring more new music.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Wasting time, crying, worrying, eating, spending my time & effort on people who don’t care.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
With my family.
21. Did you fall in love in 2006?
Yes, I did.
22. How many one-night stands?
LOL…none.
23. What was your favorite TV program?
Lost, and Arrested Development, which sadly aired its last episode in February.
24. Do you dislike anyone now that you didn’t dislike this time last year?
Yes.
25. What was the best book you read?
Garden of Lies…one of the only books I read, but I loved it.
26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
definitely Harrison Hudson. He is rockin’ my world!
27. What did you want and get?
Answers to many prayers, a new roof, new paint and blinds for the living & dining rooms, a laptop, a new TV, a really good camera, a weekend at the beach.
28. What did you want and not get?
A healthy pregnancy, reconciliation with an old friend, financial security of some sort, a local friend to hang out with (a true friend).
29. What was your favorite film of this year?
Well, um…I didn’t see any from this year. I guess I just saw two on DVD, so out of those, my favorite would be Talladega Nights.
30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 33 and I just hung out with the boys. G had swim lessons and P took him while I went shopping at Walmart. LOL! We all hung out together that evening and had pizza. I like low-key birthdays.
31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Not dealing with cancer-related issues & worries.
32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
Whatever is comfortable, looks nice, and is decent-priced at either Target or Old Navy.
33. What kept you sane?
God, prayer, reading scripture, music, Philip, G, and my close friends. Having an organized house helps a lot, too. And writing, both here & in my journal.
34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Bono, Oprah, Condi Rice.
35. What political issue stirred you the most?
There are many.
36. Who did you miss?
Charlotte, a few close friends who live far away, and the little life that was briefly inside me.
37. Who was the best new person you met?
Coach Frank ranks pretty high; Stacy is pretty high up there, too (but I’ve only met her in blog-land ).
38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006?
I can’t think of any that I haven’t already learned. Mostly 2006 just cemented those things stronger in my mind: Love is all that matters, life generally sucks, be careful who you trust, etc. Ah, the cheerful thoughts of a cynic!
39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
“You are such a fool to worry like you do” — U2
and especially:
“I know it aches
and your heart it breaks
You can only take so much…
Walk
on…” — U2
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12.14.2006 | 11:34 am | Uncategorized, Daily Life, Reviews
Whew! I finally finished our Christmas cards, and I have a huge stack sitting next to me ready to take to the PO in a few minutes. I am so late this year; usually I get them out the first week of December. This year we took forever to decide on a picture to use (because we had too many good ones!), then it took Philip a while to get around to designing it, and then when they were all printed, I realized that their coloration made it impossible to cut them down with my usual paper trimmer. So Philip saved the day and used his x-acto kniving skills, and I must say he did a nice job. Anyway, then in the middle of addressing envelopes, I ran out of envelopes. So I got backed up another day until I could get to the store and buy more. But today…today they’re finished and ready to mail at last.
We watched Talladega Nights last night. It was absolutely hilarious! Will didn’t disappoint, and the other actors did a great job, too. At first, I was not so impressed because while there were plenty of funny moments, they didn’t really wow me and everything seemed to move a little too slowly or something. But it picked up pretty early on and it was a laugh-a-minute the rest of the way through. Some of the humor is crude, but that’s always expected and easily overlooked. Of course, it’s all pretty much silly and lacking any depth. But that’s the point! As far as funniness goes, it was at least 4 out of 5 stars, IMO. And there’s some good music in it, always a plus in my book!
I’m about to put it back on because there are some good racing/crash scenes that G will love to watch. He’ll also probably like a couple of the silly scenes, like the one where Ricky Bobby is running around in his underwear, thinking he’s on fire after a crash (he’s not). That was my favorite scene in the entire movie, BTW!
Yesterday I did some much-needed housekeeping here on my blog. I cleaned out the links to blogs that are dead or that I don’t bother with anymore, and I finally added links to a few new blogs that I’ve discovered and have been enjoying. One of them is my FIL’s blog, although I’m not saying which one.
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12.13.2006 | 1:54 pm | Uncategorized, Daily Life, Gray Matters, Reviews
Let’s see. I have some good stuff today! First and foremost, the results of my CT scan are in. I had a CT scan done last week, of my neck and chest, to check for any sign of metastasis anywhere. With the neck pain, the funny scraping sound in my chest, the lump in my reconstructed breast, and the swollen lymph node on my chest, Dr. P thought it would be a good idea to do the scans and see how things looked from inside. It was another nerve-wracking weekend waiting for the results. And the results are…normal! Everything looked normal; there’s no sign of anything malignant anywhere that was scanned. Once again, praise God. He has been so good to me! Once again, the weight lifted off my shoulders made me feel like I could fly. The only downer is that the lump is possibly going to have to be biopsied, just to be sure it’s benign. Dr. P said it would be easily done with a needle biopsy, so no surgery necessary. I hope it can be done before the end of the month (and of course, I hope it’s benign!), because I have big plans for next year and I would like to get all this behind me so that I can move forward with my life and my goals.
In other news, this morning G had his 3-year well checkup. As usual, he amazed everyone with his unusual height. He’s 42 1/4 inches tall, which makes him 3′6″. His height is 100th percentile for his age, as it’s always been. He weighs 38 lbs, which is around 95th percentile. The doctor was impressed with his cognitive development and the things he is doing, which he said are all above average (apparently not that many 36-month olds can tell you what letter a random word starts with). He said his verbal development is where it should be, if not beyond, which I think is cool because of how behind the curve he was a year & a half ago. His motor skills are where they should be, with the exception of jumping and other things that require total-body coordination. On those things, he’s behind the curve, but the doc said it’s most likely due to his large stature and nothing at all to worry about. He also said some people just aren’t as physically coordinated, which I know because both Philip and myself are not very coordinated! Apparently G got a double dose of clumsiness from the two of us. He said having him in gymnastics is probably the best thing to help him improve those skills (I agree!). So, it was a good visit and hopefully we won’t be back again until next year’s well checkup.
Last night we watched World Trade Center. I’ve said before that I don’t care for mainstream films and the “glamorous” way they’re written, shot and produced. This movie had all those typical traits, but it was easily overlookable. The only reason I was interested in seeing it was because it was based on the true story of two real-life heroes and their rescue from the WTC rubble. Overall, it was a good movie, very moving and with a happy ending—if you can call anything relating to that horrible day “happy”. I would recommend it to anyone who still cares about what happened on that day.
Tonight, we’re going to watch Talladega Nights. I know, I know. Not the deepest film, but we’re both big fans of Will Ferrell, so it’s a must-see for us. Movie Gallery sent us a coupon for rent one, get one free, which was perfect timing since these two movies both came out yesterday. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have been able to come up with two rentals that I even wanted!
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12.12.2006 | 12:39 am | Daily Life
I thought I’d post pics of the Christmas-y things we have inside the house.
Here is the tree, in the daytime:
And again, at night:
Here is our special ornament for this year. Hope is what this year’s Christmas is all about for us.
Grayson’s special ornament:
G’s stocking. It was quilted by Gram, Philip’s grandmother/G’s great-grandmother. And the handprint ornament is from 2004 when G was barely 1 year old:
Our Nativity set:
The nativity at night, all lit up:
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12.10.2006 | 11:08 am | Uncategorized, Gray Matters, Infertility/Miscarriage
HAPPY BIRTHDAY LITTLE GRAY!
On Dec. 10 three years ago, you entered the world at 2:02AM. This picture is from only a couple of minutes after:
Seeing it brings back the most clear memory of what it felt like holding you those very first moments. One of the things I remember most is how hot and super-moist you were, after just coming out from all that water you’d been living in.
The other thing I remember so clearly is how surreal it felt to actually be holding you in my arms, after a lifetime of waiting for you. I couldn’t believe that after so much waiting and praying and longing, that I was actually holding my very own child.
It’s still like that, three years later. Nothing’s worn off, really. Every day I’m hit with that happy surprise that you are actually here. I still wonder daily at the fact that I am a mother, that I have a child. People who’ve not had to deal with infertility don’t get this at all, but those of us who’ve waited years—after being told it would never happen, and after thinking it would never happen—we know this feeling well. Whenever I talk to my friends who’ve walked the same road as me, they understand exactly what I’m saying: No one appreciates their child(ren) more than the mother who thought she’d never have one.
I look at you while you’re busy lining up your cars or a hundred other things you love to do, and I stop to marvel at this beautiful little boy who is living in my house, growing up at lightning speed. I think, “How did I get here? Wasn’t I “bereaved and barren”? Who gave me this child? Me…I am the mother of a child!” Yet, all the while, I know the answer. I know it was my God and his loving kindness, who answered my prayers and gave me the desire of my heart. I’m grateful in ways that I can never express.
Each night, even after three years, I still can’t go to bed until I stop in your bedroom and spend a few moments by your side. I especially love that you’re in a regular bed now, because I can kneel beside you and gaze at you, touch you, and pray over you so easily. Sometimes, like last night, I actually slip in bed next to you and hold you close while you sleep. I try to fathom the gift that I’ve been given—you. I wonder at how this cheerful blue-walled room with all the toys and clothes, used to be a cold, barren, empty white room used only for storage, while all the while I prayed constantly for a child to fill it. I wonder at the answer to all those hundreds (thousands?) of prayers, lying next to me, breathing softly against my skin. My child. My gift from God. I love you. Truly, “all my life, I’ve wished you welcome”. Happy Birthday, my December Child. 
Here are the lyrics to that special song, and the audio follows. Grab a kleenex.
“December Child” by Cyndi Lauper (from her “Merry Christmas, Have a Nice Life” CD):
Close your eyes December Child
And dream a while my little son and moon
May the stars be your crown
And may the earth guide you round and round
Snuggle up and let me hold and kiss
Your baby breath in the dark and cold
On a silent night long ago
Another mother held her babe and told him
Close your eyes December Child
And dream a while my little son and moon
May the stars be your crown
And may the earth guide you round and round
They had come such a long long way
Rest your little head on me and I’ll tell you of
A little king and his bed of hay
It is remembered every Christmas day
Little one, little son
All my life I’ve wished you welcome
Close your eyes December Child
And dream a while my little son and moon
May the stars be your crown
And may the earth guide you round and round
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