Ms. Understood » 2006

My Thanksgiving came a little late

11.28.2006 | 11:35 am | Uncategorized, Daily Life, Breast Cancer

…but I’m surely giving thanks today!

Finally, last night, after many anxious hours spent waiting for a call, I found out the results of my bone scan from last week. It was clean! Completely and totally clear of any sign of cancerous activity in my bones! I was so relieved I teared up. Thanksgiving and this past weekend was horrible, waiting and wondering and fighting off thoughts of the worst. I had to struggle to get through each day, trying to occupy my mind with other things, but I didn’t realize until I got the good word last night, just what a weight of fear I’d been carrying on my shoulders. When I heard the report, I felt a weight lift off of me and happiness flooded in once again. I felt free! God has been good to me once again, and I’m overflowing with thanks to him.

Yesterday was the worst; I’d expected the call from the Dr early in the day, but it never came. We found out late in the afternoon that my Dr had not even been in yesterday! So it was likely the results weren’t even there yet. We left a message with his nurse to call back and tell us if she could get the report from the radiology dept.

But the office closed at 5 and we’d not gotten a call. Philip called and got the answering service, who sent a message to the nurse who was staying after hours to make phone calls to patients. They were backed up due to the holidays last week, so he was told we should get a call back within an hour.

When 7pm came, and still no call, I was beside myself. I was crying because I didn’t want to spend another night lying awake and fearing the worst…if it was bad, I wanted to at least know that for sure. Philip called the answering service again and found out that the nurse had gone home…without calling us. ::Grrrr:: Philip asked to have a page sent to the oncologist within the group who was on call, and then we waited some more.

My sweet G saw me crying and lay down next to me. He just looked into my eyes, and I could tell he was wanting to know what was wrong. I told him I was okay, but that I was just scared about something. He reached up and put his hand on my chest and patted me gently. I couldn’t help but smile and tell him thank you; when I did, he said softly, “Do you feel better now, mama?” I told him that he sure did make me feel better. But I didn’t let him know how scared I still was.

Soon after the page, one of the oncologists in the group called. Philip explained how I’d been waiting since Wednesday to get the results of the scan, how hard Thanksgiving and the weekend had been, and how I’d been told I’d get the results on Monday, yet had found out only at the end of the day that my Dr hadn’t even been in and because of that, the report wasn’t even in the office yet. The on-call Dr was very sympathetic and also added that it was ridiculous that we’d been put through all that by the office staff. He said he just happened to be in the hospital right now (Baptist) and he said he was going to go down to the radiology dept himself and pull my scan and the report, and he’d call back in a few minutes.

Around five minutes later, he called back. Philip talked to him because I couldn’t bear being the one to hear it first, should it be bad news. The first thing he said after he verified my name & info was, “Tell her she can sleep well tonight, because this is a totally clear scan…perfectly clean and not even any areas that are questionable. This is the kind of bone scan an oncologist likes to see.” I could tell by Philip’s reaction that it was good, and it was the best feeling in the world. He went on to say that my bones had absorbed the radiotracer really well and the image was a great one, making it easy to see that there were no suspicious areas. He also read the radiologist’s report which also stated the same things.

Philip thanked him profusely for taking the time to go down and check on it for us after hours. He replied that it was no problem, that after waiting all Thanksgiving weekend that he didn’t want me to have to wait another night. He added that he was glad Philip had called when he did, because he had been planning to leave within minutes of the time Philip’s call came; he said he was glad Philip had caught him in time for him to help us out. I give all the glory to God for the timing…as well as the good results. Praise God!

I am overcome with joy because of your unfailing love,
for you have seen my troubles,
and you care about the anguish of my soul.
You have not handed me over to my enemy
but have set me in a safe place. —Psalm 31:7-8

Share on Facebook

Comments (8)

Crap and more crap

11.14.2006 | 6:42 pm | Daily Life, Ranting

This is going to be a drag, so skip it if you don’t feel like reading a bunch of whining.

The grief goes on. I can’t really make much sense of it or describe how I’m feeling or why. I’m just so sad about what happened. I know I’m going to get past it, but it sucks while in the middle of it. Next week is Thanksgiving and we’re supposed to go to Philip’s family get-together. Every family member will be in town, which is unusual. I was looking forward to this when it was planned. However, now I don’t want to go because I’ll have to face a family member who is due the same month I was due (May). Everyone will be all happy for her and I’ll have to choke back tears while trying to act like I’m happy, too. Yet, I don’t want to sit home on Thanksgiving. Life can surely suck at times.

But on top of dealing with all that, I have something even worse that’s bothering me. A few weeks ago I developed a sudden stiff, sore neck. That progressed to constant upper back pain that hasn’t improved; in fact, it’s worsened. I’ve never had back problems and I haven’t had an injury nor anything else that would’ve caused the pain. The pain is unresponsive to massive doses of Advil, and lately the symptoms have grown to include tingling and burning along my upper spine and into my neck, migraines, and dizziness. This alarmed me, because they mimic the symptoms of spinal metastasis (when primary cancer spreads to the bones—specifically the spine).

So I saw my oncologist yesterday. I was overdue anyway; it’s been over three years since he checked me out. He said metastasis was unlikely due to the grade of my cancer, but it’s not unheard of. He ordered a bone scan, which is currently being scheduled for me. I’m terrified of having this done, because of the potential results. If there is any bone metastasis, this scan will show it. I’m praying so hard that there will be nothing.

If it’s not cancer (which I hope it’s not), then I also wonder what in the world is it that’s causing these symptoms. It’s miserable! I was suspected to have MS a few years back, but all the symptoms subsided as mysteriously as they came on, so I kind of went on with my life and forgot about it. However, these current symptoms are very MS-like also. It’s especially suspicious that the symptoms follow the loss of a pregnancy (MS almost always flares after pregnancy, because the immune system bounces back from being supressed). So, if my bone scan is clear (please, please let it be), and the symptoms are still ongoing, I’ll see a neurologist.

One more thing on my heart. Last night while I was driving, I heard loud grinding coming from the back of the car. I rolled down the window and sure enough, the rear brakes are grinding and crunching when applied. I checked the rotor and there’s a deep gash in one spot. So, the car goes into the shop tomorrow and the diagnosis is going to be expensive. There goes Christmas and the plans for a new carseat. I have NO idea what we’re going to do about the carseat. We HAVE to get a new one; we should already have one because he’s sitting right at the maximum limit and if we were to have an accident, it might not hold him. So now we’re left with do we fix the car or do we buy a new seat. I’m ready to just give up. Money is always tight, but this is a very bad time. Philip has barely worked at all the past two weeks, due to helping with my problems. I’ve been too upset or too sick or in severe pain to take care of G as I usually do, so he’s had to do a lot of helping out, instead of working. Which leaves him with way less hours to bill and us with way less money to live on. All this couldn’t be happening at a worse time.

I want to just go hide under the covers and cry my eyes out!

Can we ever get a break??

Share on Facebook

Comments (5)

Photos

11.8.2006 | 3:13 pm | Daily Life, Infertility/Miscarriage

For those who don’t know, I miscarried our second child on Monday. I was 11 weeks pregnant that very day. When I was 6.5 weeks pregnant, I saw my midwife and she did an ultrasound that showed a healthy baby & pregnancy, including a fetal heartbeat. Unfortunately, at my next visit, which was last Wednesday at 10.5 weeks, another ultrasound revealed that the baby had died at approximately 8 weeks.
My body had not recognized it yet, but with my midwife’s blessing, I decided to wait and miscarry naturally. Thankfully, I only had to wait 5 days.

On Monday morning, November 6, following four hours of laboring at home, I miscarried our baby. Afterwards, we opened the fetal sac and saw and held it. We were so amazed to see it, and Philip took pictures. The pictures are now uploaded and anyone is welcome to look at them:

11-6-06 Photos
To view them, click the link. There will be a box on the right with thumbnails. Click on the right-hand thumbnail, and then continue clicking on the right-hand thumbnail to scroll through them all. Some of them have descriptions.

They are no doubt not for everyone, but some have expressed interest and we wanted to share them with those who would like to see. There are pictures of the placenta, the deceased fetus, and some of them include blood. In my opinion, they aren’t bad, but they may bother some people. For others, it’s a fascinating view of an 8-week fetus, complete with details like eyes, nostrils, mouth, ear buds, and tiny webbed fingers. I can’t believe I was blessed to hold such a miraculous creation in my hand, although I wish it had been a healthy, full-term baby in my arms.

Also, the previous two (password-protected) entries are about the miscarriage. One was before it, but after we’d learned the baby had died, and the other one is my account of the miscarriage itself. If you don’t already have the password, but want to read, just leave me a comment or send me an email and I’ll send you the password. I just didn’t want to have these things so out in the open for now, but I’ll be happy to give you the password if you ask.

Share on Facebook

Comments (12)