12.31.2005 | 9:26 pm | Uncategorized, Gray Matters
Well, I did this last year, so I’m doing it again this year.
Three happy moments that I experienced in 2005:
•Losing the Weight.
Hands down, the BEST thing I did all year. Heck, it pretty much took all year to do it! But you can bet I won’t be gaining it back, because I did it the old-fashioned, eat less & exercise way. I know everyone around me is sick of me talking about it, but I don’t care. I was m-i-s-e-r-a-b-l-e for the entire year 2004 because of all the fat, and I finally — finally — did something about it. Because of that, ALL of 2005 was a very happy year for me. One of my best ever.
•Spending the weekend in Destin
It was one of the most enjoyable things I did all year. I missed my baby, but after two years of giving nearly every minute of my day to him, it was immensely restorative to have three days of silence, peace, and solitude. I felt like after getting my old body back, I should take some time to get back some of the old me as well, and I did. I REALLY rested during my stay at the beach, and I got to do some much-needed soul-searching as well.
And I’ll cheat and add this: The afternoon that I returned home, seeing the smile on Gray’s face when I walked in, and having him jump into my arms for a huge hug…well, that was one of my happiest moments ever. 
•Grayson
It may be lame, but just him & everything about him made me happy every day, all year long (can’t say that about 2004). He was a JOY this year. Every single day! Some of the happiest times were when he began to talk (at last)! And everything that comes out of his mouth still amazes me. I could go on & on, but I’ll leave it at GRAYSON. He is the definition of happiness for 2005.
I can’t wait to see how he changes & grows this upcoming year.
*edited my rant*
Happy New Year! 
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12.29.2005 | 8:48 pm | Uncategorized
Get it together, woman! I’m trying to shake this sad feeling I got yesterday upon reading an email that was forwarded to me by a friend. It’s a long story, and relates to my estranged ex-best friend, ¢. It’s silly, and I shouldn’t let it bother me, but it did. And it still is, even today. **sigh**
I don’t know why I can’t let go of the desire to mend this friendship. It’s just that it used to mean the world to me (to both of us), and I can’t understand how you just throw something so sacred aside so easily. There are times I really could’ve used her friendship over these last 12 years, but she’s been nowhere to be found.
Because of all this, I hold every other friend at arm’s length. It’s stupid, but I do.
I need to get over it. I can’t believe this (the email yesterday) has so much power over me and my happiness.
I’m off to spend some much-needed time w/my husband. Thank God for him! He’s the only person in the world whom I can trust NOT to turn & run. I should be nicer to him for that! Heehee!
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12.24.2005 | 8:50 pm | Uncategorized
“Mary, did you know
that your baby boy
has come to make you new?
That the child that you delivered
will soon deliver you?”
– Mark Lowry
I’m thinking tonight, of what it all is really for. And thanking God that I’ve been delivered, also. In comparison, none of the other “gifts” really matter.
That is what I commit to teach my own precious baby boy about Christmas.
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12.19.2005 | 6:32 pm | Uncategorized, Gray Matters, Breastfeeding
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12.16.2005 | 1:51 pm | Uncategorized, Daily Life, Gray Matters
We had Gray’s b-day party Saturday night! I was sick, and we almost cancelled it, but I decided to just do it anyway, as long as I warned everyone beforehand that I’d been sick, so they could decide for themselves if they wanted to come or not. I wish everyone would return that courtesy–I HATE getting to someone’s house and finding out someone is sick and they didn’t let me know (because yes, I’m one of those crazy people who prefers to stay well, and most importantly to keep my kid well!). Both his sets of grandparents came, as well as his Aunt Leslie & Uncle Josh. I think they’re all coocoo for still wanting to come, knowing I was sick. :p LOL!
A few pics:
He is about to attempt blowing out his candles:
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He started out really prim & proper:
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But he got into it eventually!
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Me & my sweetie:
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OH! If anyone doubts that I really lost 35 lbs this year, take another look at the photo above, and then look at these shots taken LAST year on his birthday…I was at my fattest ever:
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I’m almost embarrassed to post those, but since I don’t look like that anymore, it’s much easier. I had some serious fat rolls on my torso (apparently it was 8 inches of fat, because that’s how much I’ve lost there). And you can’t miss the double chin. Ugh, I hated myself back then.
Here’s another before & after:
Last year’s b-day:
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This year’s b-day:
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I’m no longer feeling like I need to hide behind the highchair, which I did last year. 
I’m so glad I made the commitment to lose all the weight this year…and that I stuck to it! I’m SOOOOOOOOOO much happier and I’m so proud of what I did. Seeing the old pics reminds me of how ugly I felt every day back then. And, to be brutally honest, I was ugly. I don’t by ANY means consider myself pretty now (I never have), but I’m back to the OLD me that I recognize and feel comfortable being, and that’s the best feeling in the world. I feel like I look truly happy in the current pictures. And I am! I’m happier these days than I’ve ever been.
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12.10.2005 | 9:26 pm | Uncategorized, Gray Matters
I’m re-posting last year’s b-day entry, with a couple o’ tweaks.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY LITTLE GRAY! Dec. 10 two years ago, you were born, at 2:02AM. This picture is from just a couple minutes after:
This is the song that will forever be mine & yours. “December Child”, by Cyndi Lauper.
Here are the lyrics, and the audio follows. Grab a kleenex.
“December Child” by Cyndi Lauper (off her “Merry Christmas, Have a Nice Life” CD):
Close your eyes December Child
And dream a while my little son and moon
May the stars be your crown
And may the earth guide you round and round
Snuggle up and let me hold and kiss
Your baby breath in the dark and cold
On a silent night long ago
Another mother held her babe and told him
Close your eyes December Child
And dream a while my little son and moon
May the stars be your crown
And may the earth guide you round and round
They had come such a long long way
Rest your little head on me and I’ll tell you of
A little king and his bed of hay
It is remembered every Christmas day
Little one, little son
All my life I’ve wished you welcome
Close your eyes December Child
And dream a while my little son and moon
May the stars be your crown
And may the earth guide you round and round
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12.9.2005 | 1:00 pm | Uncategorized, Gray Matters, Breastfeeding, Writings
Grayson’s birthday is tomorrow, the 10th. Although it was today, the 9th that I actually went into and spent in labor, so I always think of today as the start of his birthday. If you like reading birth stories, HERE is ours. It was one of the best nights of my life.
I’ve decided to write a letter to Gray each year on his birthday, recapping the year and some of my emotions for him to have to look back on when he’s older. Last year’s letter can be read HERE.
And now on to this year’s letter…
My sweet Grayson, your 2nd birthday is fast approaching. On December 10, 2003, you were born, and my life changed. Nothing has been the same since.
As the second year of your life comes to a close, there are some things that I want you to know.
This year passed by even more quickly than your first. I could lament this in many ways, but they all sound trite and clichéd. I’ll just say that I can’t believe how fast time passes now that you’re in our lives. It always seemed to pass so slowly before you came.
Once again, it’s been a year of milestones met and much growing. Boy, did you ever grow. You’re a big, healthy boy and I’m grateful for that.
Not long after you turned one, you said your first word: “Uh-oh.” It was on your daddy’s birthday, January 3rd. It was the lone word in your vocabulary for months, and you used it constantly. It’s still one of your favorites, nearly a year later.
Also in January, at 13 months old, you learned to walk. It was a moment that tore at my heart, because your first steps were an all-too-tangible evidence of your ever-growing independence. Yet, I couldn’t help but share the joy that bubbled over with every shaky little step that you took. Motherhood is bittersweet, and you remind me of that every day.
In February, you exceeded the height limit for being rear-facing in the car, so we turned your carseat around so that you faced forward. It probably seems like a small thing, but let me tell you that it was not small. The world and all its beauty & excitement was now splayed out in full before you, and you were completely rapt as you sat up on your new perch and took it all in. I know I’ll never forget the thrill I felt inside as I drove you around the neighborhood, watching you through the rear-view mirror.
In February you also graduated to riding up in the seat of a shopping cart (once I finally sewed you a cart cover). Shopping trips became much more frequent with this new ability, and I began to really look forward to our times out on the town together. You behaved so well out in public, and you still do. I’m always proud of you and the compliments you earn everywhere we go together.
For the longest time, you were slow to say much of anything, but the night before Mother’s Day, you warmed my heart by saying, “Mama” for the first time. Did you mean to time it that way? It sure seemed like it.
Over the summer, you discovered many new things. You learned to like your bike helmet and the long bike rides we’d take together. You learned to love the beach and the Gulf. You discovered the Backyardigans. You discovered trucks and tractors and airplanes. You went lots of places with both me and with your Daddy.
You also got your first cold and had your first bout of diarrhea. While it wasn’t fun for any of us, you were a trooper.
The three of us experienced another major hurricane together, with another frustrating period of displacement after the storm. You did so well this time, though, and the days we spent waiting to come home turned out to be sweet memories in my heart.
You began expanding your vocabulary by leaps and bounds late in the summer. One of your funniest verbal creations is “Da-Doo”, your chosen word for Daddy. We both love that. You blew us away by popping out word after word, many that we couldn’t even remember having taught you. You’re a smart little boy, Grayson. You’re also beginning to show a unique sense of humor that is so perfect in this misfit family. You’re going to be one-of-a-kind, and that makes us proud!
In September, I decided to introduce potty-training. It was on a complete whim, but one day I just decided to give you a crash course and see what happened. And, what happened? You took it and ran with it. Within two weeks, you were wearing diapers only for naps and nighttime. Within two months, I felt comfortable saying you were officially potty-trained. You did so well with this, and I’m proud of you. You’re a sweet little boy and your willingness to please is so evident.
This fall you began your first organized activity: gymnastics class. It’s been such a thrill taking you and helping you learn how to do new things, both big and small. You excel at the balance beam and you love to say, “ta-dah!” and do the “butterfly”. You love being with all the little girls in the class, and I love having that one-on-one time with you.
The fall season also brought one of the saddest times of your second year, for me anyway. Your weaning. I allowed you to self-wean, so you made the decision on your own. It happened naturally, just how God intended every child to wean. We’re fully separate now for the first time since your conception. It’s been a hard adjustment for me, but I knew it had to happen sooner or later. I just wish I could remember the last time we nursed together…that really bothers me! But I’ll never forget the 22 months that we shared this incredible and special bond. I’m certain that it made both of us better, happier, and healthier people.
Lastly, your vocabulary has just gone through another explosion. Once again, you surprised us with the fact that you knew all your colors, letters, and most numbers 1 to 10, even though you’d never said more than a few of them until recently. One day, you just started saying them all. You were listening all those months that you asked us over & over what color something was, or what letter, etc. You’d never repeated them back, but apparently, you were listening! All of a sudden, you’re going around naming colors and identifying the entire alphabet.
And this past month, you started stringing together words to make two-word sentences. “Purple bean” was your first. Then, “ye-yow vroom-vroom” (that’s yellow car, of course!). Another was, “Water cold.” And now it’s all kinds of combinations. Hearing your little husky voice saying all these new things is so interesting and incredibly adorable. I will never tire of hearing you speak! I’ve waited so long to hear you talk, and now it seems the time has arrived.
And this is how things are as we approach your second birthday. I am in awe of how you’ve grown and changed SO much in just two years. Twenty-four months. So far, this is my favorite age. I can’t imagine anything being better than this. I wish I could stop time and keep you this age for a long time, if not forever!
Yet with all this, I am still unable to take in the concept that I am someone’s mother. I am your mother. I’ve been beyond blessed by your presence in my life, and can’t imagine the possibility of you having turned out any differently than the amazing little boy you are. I can’t imagine ever loving a future child as much as I do you. I can’t even imagine wanting another child, but I think that’s because I’m so grateful for having been given the chance to be a mother in the first place. It wasn’t supposed to happen, so I realize how blessed I am to have you.
I said this in your birthday letter last year, but I want you to know that I still go into your room every night before I turn in, and spend a minute or two standing by your bed, taking you in. Touching your hair. Pinching myself. In awe that you’re even here. Thanking God for answering the deepest prayer of my heart. Feeling more love for you than I can express.
You will always be the apple of my eye, and I hope we remain close through all your growing-up years, and beyond.
Happy 2nd birthday, little Gray! Two years down, and sadly, not nearly enough years to go.
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12.8.2005 | 8:53 am | Daily Life, Ranting
Nearly every day I walk 3 miles, and I have a set route. On my route, there’s a half-mile stretch through an unpopulated wooded area. This area must be known to all the crappy people in our town as The Dumping Area. Because it’s perpetually littered with all kinds of trash people throw out, from fast-food cups & containers to cigarette packages to literally hundreds of beer cans & bottles. Worse, it’s often used as a dumping spot for old stereos, couches, washing machines, & etc. But the worst of all, and most disgusting, is that it’s the local dumping ground for discarded hunting & fishing by-products. In the fall & winter, discarded deer carcasses (and their unwanted innards) can be found every weekend. In the summer, it’s fish guts which smell putrid as they decompose. A walk through this area gives a picture of just how many losers live in our town (I’m pretty sure many of them live in our neighborhood). It infuriates me that so many people treat our beautiful area so carelessly. How hard is it to keep your trash until you get home? Or to take your appliances to the county dump? Or to USE all of the parts of the animal you hunt and kill–or better yet, to not hunt at all? Uggghhh….
Flash back to one evening back in July. The three of us were passing through this wooded area on our evening walk. I saw something on the side of the road that stood out amongst all the beer cans & food wrappers. It was a wallet. We stopped and picked it up to check it out. It was mostly empty but had a couple of snapshots of a young teenage boy (he looked around 12 to 14 years old) with a couple of different girls. There was a Best Buy gift card, and a WalMart receipt from that afternoon where he’d bought a boatload of school supplies. There was a CONDOM (ewwww). And the last thing we found, tucked away in an inside pocket, was $140 in cash. Whoah! Of course, we knew the money wasn’t ours, so keeping it wasn’t an option. I’d hope anyone reading this would feel the same, but cynicism tells me that’s probably not the case.
We stuck the wallet in the stroller and finished our walk. We hadn’t found an ID or anything in there that gave us any way to figure out how to contact the boy and return his wallet to him. So we discussed how we could get the wallet back to him without knowing who he was. By the time we got home, we’d decided to call the Sherriff’s dept. and see what they recommended. We figured they would be able to find the rightful owner, if anyone could.
So we called, and the dispatcher said a Deputy would come pick up the wallet. A little later that evening, a deputy showed up and looked through it. He said $140 in cash is a lot for a 13-14 year old boy to be carrying. He snickered at the condom, shook his head and said, “That’s nice, huh?” LOL.
He told us that protocol was for them to try & identify the boy based on the items in the wallet, and if they could, to contact him. Otherwise, they’d keep the wallet for 100 days and see if anyone came to claim it. After the 100 days, if still unclaimed, the wallet would be released to us as our property. Including the cash and all the contents.
Early this month, I realized it had been over 100 days. Philip called and was told the wallet was still unclaimed. They told him the wallet was now officially ours, and we could come up to the Sherriff’s Dept. anytime to pick it up.
So, Philip went by yesterday, and after filling out a big mofo form, he got the wallet- condom, cash, and all. LOL!
We got $140!! Woohoo!
And we called Best Buy and found out the gift card has $10 on it. Woohoo! Not as much as I’d hoped, but it’s $10 we never had before, so that’s great.
I hate that this kid lost his money, but based on the fact he was carrying around a condom at his age, he was probably a doofus anyway. Haha! Seriously though, I feel good knowing we did the right thing by doing everything we could to get it back to him. I can’t believe he never called the Sherriff’s Dept. to report it missing - I’ve had my wallet stolen in the past, and the first thing I did was report it! And when it was found in a dumpster a few days later, I got it back. It makes me think the Deputy was possibly accurate in his comment about it being suspicious for a kid that age to have that much cash on him. Otherwise, it seems he would’ve called to report it lost or stolen and to check to see if it had been turned in.
But since he never claimed it, we’ve received a little windfall that we very badly need right now. We’re thankful today that we ran into this money, and after legitimately trying to get it back to its owner, it’s ours to keep.
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12.5.2005 | 5:53 pm | Uncategorized, Daily Life, Reviews
Last night Philip & I went out. Alone. Together. To see a movie! Woohoo! Gray’s Aunt Leslie came over to sit with him while we went. She said he did really well, and I’m glad because I think I did really well, too. LOL! I missed him and thought of him often, but I was able to relax and enjoy my time out, unlike the other two times we’ve left him. I’m getting better at this. Haha!
So, how long has it been since the two of us have gone out to a movie together?
Three years!
The last time was when we saw The Lord of the Rings-The Two Towers, on New Year’s Eve 2002/2003. I was (unknown to me at the time) pregnant with baby #1, the one we lost a few weeks later.
Since then, the only time either of us has gone to the movies was to see The Passion of the Christ, but we each went separately. We had a 3-month old, and both of us leaving the house for over 3 hours was impossible! So Philip went to see it with friends, and then a few weeks later, we did some major coordinating and I went by myself to see it, in between nursing Grayson. Ugh, I do NOT miss those days! Haha.
We’ve never been much for going out to movies anyway; first, there’s rarely anything worth watching. Secondly, it’s too expensive. I cannot believe we paid matinee price last night and it was STILL $5.50 apiece! Good merciful heavens! Do people really throw that much money away (& more, if they see the full-price show) every weekend?! I’m a tightwad, but shouldn’t it bug the average person, too? It has nothing to do with us being poor…I’d feel the same if we had the money to burn. So in the rare case that there’s actually a movie we’re interested in watching, we just rent it when it comes to DVD.
Oh, but I had a point. The reason we finally went to the movies together was because we HAD to see Walk the Line. Johnny Cash is kind of a hero to both of us. He’s simply a legend…no one can touch him or his music (Mike Ness made a pretty good attempt, though). He was an oddball…a misfit, a misunderstood soul, which is one reason I relate to him so much. He was an amazing man, though far from perfect. Through all his mistakes, he was a devout Christian, and he found peace in that later in his life. Musically, he could possibly be the best singer-songwriter EVER.
I grew up hearing Johnny Cash songs played by my dad, on his radio station, and also by my grandma. She liked him too, and whenever I came to visit, she would put on the Johnny Cash albums and we’d lie in her bed and talk & daydream all afternoon, with Cash playing in the background. For this reason, I always think of her whenever I listen to his music. I think of her, I think of my dad, and there’s a lot of nostalgia attached to those tunes. But over the years I’ve also come to love his music simply for itself - regardless of the memories it stirs. He wrote & sang alternative music before “alternative” was even a label, and he was still doing alternative music until he died, even after “alternative” music had (sadly) become mainstream. He’s been said to be the original punk rocker. That’s actually quite true. Unlike the mainstream “punk” music of today, Johnny Cash never conformed his music to whatever was popular at the moment. He wrote & sang what was in his heart, record labels & managers be *durned*. And that’s why he rocked. His music is timeless and several generations of fans prove this. In our home, there’s proof of the next generation of Cash fans: Grayson knows many of his songs and often requests to see them (we have Live at Folsom Prison recorded on DVD). It piques my heart to see Gray bobbing his head to some of the greatest songs ever, and hearing him hum the bass line to “Walk the Line” or the harmonica parts in “Orange Blossom Special”.
Walk the Line earns two thumbs up (that would be five skulls in DW movie-review lingo) from these two picky viewers. It was a great movie. Joaquin Phoenix (as Johnny Cash) & Reese Witherspoon (as June Carter Cash) surprised us both with their amazing acting and their shocking ability to sing an awful lot like the twosome they portrayed. Reese Witherspoon totally outdid herself; the only thing not authentic was that Reese is beautiful, and June Carter was hardly a pretty woman. :p At times, I actually thought Joaquin WAS Johnny Cash; he sounded, acted & looked so much like him at certain moments. At other times, not so much, but overall he did an excellent job of portraying a man that neither I nor Philip thought anyone could convincingly emulate. I’m betting he’ll be nominated for an Oscar. I hope he wins.
The story isn’t pretty at times, but it’s all true, and it’s inspiring & the music is great. You even get to see Shooter Jennings portraying his father, Waylon Jennings. Can’t beat that.
If you’re a Cash fan, you’ll definitely want to see this. If you’re not, then I’m sure there’s a lovely Martin Lawrence or Sylvester Stallone movie to see instead. :p
Best line from the movie:
“Your fans are gospel folk, Johnny. They’re Christians, and they don’t wanna hear you singing to a bunch of murderers and rapists, tryin’ to cheer ‘em up.”
Johnny Cash: “Then they ain’t Christians.”
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12.3.2005 | 1:04 pm | Daily Life, Gray Matters
Our local high school football team lost the State Championship semifinal last night in Ponte Verde. Everyone here is sad, but also proud of them for going that far. They were 13-0 until last night, and even though they didn’t win the State Championship, they came awful close, and they’re still the class 4-A Regional Champions. They rock!
We just got back from the local Christmas parade…and yes we actually still call it a “Christmas” parade here. It was Gray’s first parade ever, and my first in a long time. Needless to say, he loved it! I expected he would. I was wondering if he’d think the sirens were too loud, but he LOVED them even more, in their full loudness. He stood on the side of the road, watching them go by in complete awe. He loved all the police cars/motorcycles, fire engines, and other loud things. He loved the horses, and there were plenty. He also liked the marching band, which wasn’t our high school band because they were out of town due to the aforementioned State championship game last night. It was a marching band from some church. It was one of the independent churches that have the PVC signs with King James verses…anyone familiar with PVC Bible verse signs in people’s yards? Or is that just a local phenomenon? Anyhoo, they had a few guys marching with the band, whose sole purpose was to carry PVC signs. A few band members even had PVC signs mounted on their instruments. Oy, vey!
There were a few groups that had dogs and they’d bring the dogs up for Gray to pet. He really liked that! The last one gave him a huge lick in the mouth. It was pretty gross, but really, I’d rather him get licked in the mouth by a dog, than get too near most kids. In my experience, kids are much more volatile! ::yikes::
And candy. Oh my goodness. I guess I haven’t been to a parade in a while, but I can’t remember there ever being SO much candy! I think every person that passed by threw a handful of candy our way. We ended up with a stash at least as big as our Halloween stash last month. That’s a LOT! And he also got about 30 strings of beads. He’s more thrilled with those than even the candy. Go figure. Aside from candy & beads, he got a silver coin, a calendar, and at least two tracts (from the aforementioned church). I didn’t see, but I hope they threw candy along with those tracts…if they didn’t, then that’s just rude!
When it was over, we stuck around to pick up any leftover candy we could find. I’m so not embarrassed to say that!
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